


Call It What You Want

by starswholisten



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Nesta POV, Song fic, call it what you want, i hate myself too you guys, i'm the worst™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 05:07:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12623932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starswholisten/pseuds/starswholisten
Summary: Nesta's inner monologue reflecting on her relationship with Cassian.Inspired by Taylor Swift's new song, Call It What You Want, which really affected my feels, clearly.





	Call It What You Want

**Author's Note:**

> i should be writing nano and yet HERE WE ARE

Sometimes when I woke up before him, I’d just look at him. That morning, the sun hadn’t yet broken over the horizon, and I was wide awake, watching my mate, thinking.

I thought about the day my whole world came crumbling around me, the night they dragged my sister and I into that castle far, far from our home and made us into what we once hated and feared. How I hadn’t been prepared, how I hadn’t known how to defend myself or survive, how I’d still fought those men tooth and nail as they shoved me into the Cauldron, how I'd fought the Cauldron itself. Elain and I came away alive, but not unscathed. And I knew I’d failed my sister when I hadn’t insisted we have someone to protect our house. 

He’d offered. He always blamed himself for failing us, but I’d told them we’d be fine. It was my fault.

I used to think that day changed my life for the worse. That having my humanity taken away meant I’d never be happy again.

But I hadn’t known what happiness was.

I hated myself for the first several months, during the war, after it, deflecting the insults and the looks I received from everyone around me - from these new people in the Night Court I was supposed to call family, from the Illyrian warriors at the camps, from High Lords and proper ladies of the court, from my own sister. I could see it in their eyes - if they didn’t say it outright, in their heads they called me hateful, proud, a thief and a liar and a heartless bitch.

He saw me, though.

Even after I locked myself away, determined to ensure that no one would have to deal with me in their lives, my own twisted way of protecting people I had come to love… he brought me back. He was the first person I talked to for months, the first one to convince me that this life was worth living, that finding happiness would take time, but he would be there with me.

I fought back, pushed him so hard I was sure he would break, but he never did. He never relented. It was what I needed. 

That day, I started to heal. Day by day, step by step, every day I was better than I ever was.

Cassian still hadn’t woken, and I reached out a tentative hand before pulling back, preferring just to look, for now. I took him in, the daydream I got to wake up to every morning. Long black hair tangled over closed hazel eyes, lips soft and slightly swollen, early morning stubble framing his handsome face. Tan skin and a chest decorated with inky black, a pounding valiant heart beating beneath. Strong hands that could crush his enemies but could be so tender, reverent in a way that stole the breath from my lungs every time they touched me, held me, or closed over my own hands.

I thought about the first times he’d touched me with those hands. The first time we spent the night out in Velaris, how he’d seen me at our meeting spot and had walked to me, hands in pockets, ignoring the rest of the world as he lifted his head to meet my gaze. He’d slowly reached for my hand, and instead of pulling away, I tightened my fingers around his. The most affection I had shown him at that point.

I thought about the first time he took me flying - not just carrying me for a quick flight to the House of Wind - but _really_ took me flying. I’d been terrified, had argued with him before he'd insinuated I was a coward, and I’d finally relented.

He’d wrapped his arms around me protectively - _“I won’t drop you, sweetheart. I promise.”_ \- and before I knew which way was up, we were hundreds of feet in the air, the sprawling city of Velaris glittering in the night below. I’d gasped in awe and he’d kissed the top of my head - the first time he’d kissed any part of me since the moment on the battlefield.

It was later that night when we had our first real kiss.

I thought about how he’d landed on a hill overlooking the city, how he’d come close and my only thought had been that this couldn’t possibly be real, he wouldn’t want to kiss someone who had so much baggage, someone broken that might never heal, someone cruel and cold and -

And he’d kissed me like he’d known exactly what I’d been thinking. Like he wanted to prove me wrong. I felt all the baggage melt away in that moment, felt brand new and raw and happy, for the first time in a very long while.

He’d seen past all the thorns, he’d broken down my walls slowly, brick by brick, giving me time even as he pushed me toward a better place. His fire, that raging inferno that matched mine, warmed me until I was burning for him.

When we’d finally become mates, when I’d accepted the bond, we still had obstacles to face. My Emissary duties and his Commander role separated us more than we wanted. I'd journeyed to the Human Realms to deal with the treacherous queens, and Cassian had been away weeks at a time to keep his Illyrians warlords in line and train his rogue new recruits. But when we were together, every trouble faded to nothing as soon as my eyes met his.

I never thought I deserved a love like this - I didn’t deserve love at all, let alone his. I made so many mistakes in my life - I failed my sisters so many times, made Feyre assume the role of caretaker when she was so young, spewed hatred and bitterness at my father until I could no longer make up for it, allowed Elain to be taken and thrown in the Cauldron. I was horrible to everyone, even myself, and burned bridges left and right instead of showing people how much I truly cared. 

But I did one thing right.

Cassian shifted under the covers, as if sensing my thoughts, and pulled me closer to him. He was warm, his arms like home, the only arms I trusted to hold me. His eyes fluttered open, shining like Velaris stars in the darkness that flooded our bedroom.

“I know that look,” he said, chuckling, his voice low as his eyes swallowed mine whole.

I feigned innocence, snuggling closer to his chest, as warm as the blankets around us. “Hmmmm, what look?”

He brushed a hand over my face, gentle as ever, and whispered, “Love.”

When we were newly involved, but before we were mates, Cassian had gotten me a gift. He’d been so nervous to give it to me that I’d had to pry it from his fingers, eager to know where this uncharacteristic worry was coming from.

I opened the box to find a necklace - but not just any necklace. He’d had it specially made, a small red gemstone identical to his siphons glittering in the gold pendant. The gold chain was inlaid with smaller red stones, twisting in an intricate pattern throughout the length of the necklace. It was beautiful, and I smiled, but he still looked uneasy.

“Do you like it?” he’d asked. “I wasn’t sure if we were there yet, I didn’t want it to seem claiming, like I own you-“

I knew I loved him then. I always had, but right then, I admitted it to myself. And to him.

“I love it,” I’d whispered, handing it to him so he could put it on for me. Once he had, I had wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. “And I love you,” I’d said when we broke apart. “Not because you _own_ me, but because you really know me. Which is more than anyone else can say.”

Three days later, we’d had a fight - the Inner Circle had gone to the Illyrian camps for the day, and as usual the warriors had not been happy with my presence. I’d been ready to defend myself, but he’d intervened - protecting me. Territorial and angry, he’d punched one of the warriors who’d called me a rather unpleasant name. But I could fight for my own honor, I’d told him, and like most of our disagreements, it turned into a heated argument. But this time, we hadn’t come to a compromise.

I couldn’t lose the one thing I’d done right. And… I knew his protection came from a good place. A place of love. I knew he felt ashamed for his rash behavior and that he was proud of the fact that I could defend myself. Our mating bond was just raw, heightened by our recent acknowledgement of our mutual feelings, pulling us closer and closer until we could no longer ignore it.

I’d found him later that evening, sitting on that hill, the first one he’d taken me to when we’d flown together, where we’d shared our real first kiss. The late November chill in the air had me shivering to my core… but I was shaking from nerves, too.

He’d sensed me, had stood and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders. His mouth opened like he was about to apologize, but I spoke first. “I have a gift for you too,” I’d whispered.

“Nesta-"

Holding my breath, I slowly revealed the muffin I stolen from the kitchen only minutes before before I’d forced Rhys to fly me here. After a sharp intake of breath, he’d looked from the muffin to me, eyes filled with uncertainty and, yes, love. “You don’t need to save me,” I’d said, rare tears threatening to spill, “but would you run away with me?”

Cassian didn’t even hesitate. “Yes,” he breathed, taking the muffin and eating it in a few bites. Then he’d picked me up and flown me far, far away, to the cabin, and we’d solidified the burning bond between us.

As I remembered all of this, that morning in our bed with him, years later and thousands of memories and happy moments behind and ahead of us, Cassian saw it all in my eyes. And I saw his own love, saw mine reflected in his own eyes.

Yes, it was love. But I was still stubborn Nesta Archeron, and I still liked to give my mate a hard time.

“Call it what you want to,” I teased, closing my eyes and settling against him. He huffed a laugh, and we fell back asleep, happy and peaceful in the world we’d built together.


End file.
